Marriage isn’t made for everyone for sure. However if that is your desire, my hope is that you’d want to have a healthy marriage. A young lady that I’d never met before came up to me one day and asked me, “What would be the one thing you’d advise on in a marriage?” It was shocking to me that she’d even ask me that. I wanted to be honest. After all you never know how your words can impact other people. My answer to her question was effective communication. What I mean is having no room for guessing and speaking clearly. You will do yourself a disservice if you think someone knows exactly what you’re thinking. In this post, I will share the best communication for healthy marriages.
Bad communication example: Husband said we needed to go grocery shopping. We both walk out the house. I’m heading to my truck. He’s walking toward his car. Next, our responses in unison, “What are you doing?”. I’m thinking we’d take the truck so we could easily load the items. His rationale for taking his car was that it was parked on the street and he needed gas. How would we have known any of that? See how we both “just thought” we were on the same page and didn’t communicate at all. One simple statement or question would’ve avoided the confusion.
With that being said, my husband and I just celebrated 5 years of marriage. And I’ve got a few more tips regarding communication for healthy marriages or relationship that I want to share.
1. Pray
Pray for each other and pray together. This gem came from my Deaconess. When she said that she and her husband do this a light bulb went off. Have I mastered this? No. However it’s what I strive to do. I have to remind my husband about praying together for us in general. Now the praying over food, we got that down pat!
When I pray for him I ask for many things. I found this prayer on Facebook that pretty much sums up my requests.
2. Consult God About Your Problems
It’s like second nature to call or text your girlfriend if you’re having an issue with your mate. However, the scripture says to cast your cares upon Him. Go to God about your problems first. At our wedding we did a cord ceremony. That’s where you intertwine 3 cords representing the husband, wife, and God. Those are the main people in the marriage, right? Sometimes I have to remind myself that we have to keep Him involved.
The thing is God made that spouse. He knows all about them. A few of my good married friends have told me to pray for my spouse and talk to God about it. And I’m here to tell y’all it works!! When my husband and I have had a disagreement or blow up, I prayed to God and it seemed like He turned the situation around suddenly! Remember to read scriptures, meditate, pray, etc. Here’s a post from my friend Keshia that you might like here.
3. Establish Effective Communication
- Don’t assume anything
- Don’t shut down (the problem will still be there until you discuss it)
- Express yourself and communicate your needs
- Learn each other’s love language
- Listen attentively
- Eventhough you may be right, try to see things from the spouse’s perspective
- Speak life over your marriage (positive affirmations)
4. Establish Couples Goals
This year I started following this young Black couple on Instagram who started a business and they posed a question regarding couple goals. I’m very goal oriented for myself, so that post gave me an “aha” moment. If you have goals for yourself, surely you need goals for the relationship. Now I encourage you to sit together and discuss goals you both want to achieve together. If you and your spouse have finance goals check out my post on raising your credit score here.
5. Discuss & Implement Boundaries
I know parents love their kids and want the best for them. However there’s a scripture that refers to cleaving to your wife. Therefore, you’ve left the parents nest and established your own with a spouse. Tell me this. Who wants a meddling in-law? Not me and that’s a bonafide fact! Everyone needs their space.
Speaking of space, I like this doormat below. Some of us may come from a small family or just kinda private. Yes we’re all a family, but a little time to prepare whether it’s cleaning up or mentally preparing would be nice. One of the ministers at my church even said people don’t just show up at her house, not even in-laws. With that being said, I was like I can get with that. Recording artist and radio show host Erica Campbell shared that her husband wasn’t cool with her family just randomly coming over to their house. She comes from a huge family and he does not. It was fine for her, but not him.
My recommendation is establish the boundary early on. In a kind way let them know where you draw the line. Whether it’s finances or what’s not acceptable to say about your spouse. It may be uncomfortable, but for your sanity it needs to be discussed. I’d like to think if my in-laws called me a raggedy nappy headed dog that he’d let them know they are out of line. (To my knowledge they haven’t and I don’t think they would).
6. Seek Wise Counsel
It’s true you don’t know what’s going on in everyone’s life. No couple is perfect. Couples have their up and downs, but if they have put the time in and/or managed to stay together (or not) there’s a lesson that you can learn. Just because someone is divorced or separated doesn’t mean they are a failure either. In my opinion they actually know what went wrong and the behaviors that should’ve changed to make it work.
Wise counsel is mentioned in the Bible. I don’t think getting advice from someone who is married and out in these streets being reckless is something I’d do. What can you learn from them? They simply don’t value the marriage and commitment they made. Seek couples who are flourishing in their relationship. Find some trustworthy people who will be honest and fair.
My counsel primarily consists of my married friends that are my age and older. In addition to them, there are a couple of special women whom I call spiritual mothers. They’ve been married at least 40 years. My spiritual mothers call or text me regularly to keep in touch. They drop some gems here and there too. My counsel provide real life responses along with scriptures. I love them for that. Oh and if we’re together in person and the spouses are around, we all have meaningful conversations about marriage/relationships. We all want to see each other prosper.
Best Communication Resources
Black Love Doc
I really enjoy the show Black Love on Oprah’s network. There’s several couples young and old, everyday people, and celebrities like Kandi Burruss, Viola Davis, Sterling K. Brown, David and Tamela Mann, Grant Hill and Tamia, DL Hughley and more. The couples share how they met, ups and downs, and communication of volunerable moments of when they were about to give up on their marriage.
David and Tamela Mann’s book
You know them from Tyler Perry’s plays and tv shows. They are actually married in real life for 30+ years. Believe it or not, even they had a rocky start in their marriage. It’s a great book to read with activities too. They talk about communication and how to argue. I feel any couple married or aspiring to be married need to read this book!
The Five Love Languages Book
This book goes in depth about love languages to help your relationship.
Dr. Robin’s Smith Book
I purchased this book in my late twenties I think. According to my own personal timeline, marriage was on the way so I started preparing. If you want to get married, I recommend it. The book has valid content and exercises as well.
Hope this helps! Tell me what you think!